I was psychic for a long time, before they made me start taking my medication // then I realized I
was just a girl who hadn’t slept in 4 days in a truck stop buying sugar free red bulls in the middle
of the night. // I lost my memory, then I got it back. where were the memories when I couldnt find
them? // the bear has a diet soda, the cabin is on fire. they don’t exist. they are
in your head // there is a bear in your head. the cabin is on fire // everything is either drowning or
burning. the sky flashes, the ocean yearns, we flash and yearn. I live in the desert. // in
California, the mountains catch on fire every summer. they burn all night. then the rain comes
and the streets flood,
the ocean is no longer a dream // when I was growing up, I would ask my father why things were
so difficult no matter how hard we tried to be good. he would say God is throwing us curveballs.
// I think God got bored and wanted to play baseball again.
the only words that spill from my mouth are pain and alive. I have almost died again and again.
// I do not know what it means to die or stay alive.
buried things fester and rot. the thought is making noise, // trying to get my attention. // sleep
with the reality tv on. the real housewives don’t remind you of your past. // stop listening to
music, stop reading, stop writing. don’t eat. push the emotions down, as if you were clogging a
toilet with paper towels. drink until you black out. // don’t go
outside. i am no longer welcome there. i am negative space. // I sit on the floor with the windows
open. the air is eating my skin. the light moves through its stations. my bones buzz for the heat,
sweat gathers under my hair and at the back of my knees. // what i see from dawn to dusk. love
cracks at this sad world violently and i have nothing left to give.
Sahaj Kaur is a student in Arizona but will soon be attending college in New York City. Her writing has been published in Wind-Up Mice Journal, We Are In The Shop, and Delude Magazine. Her twitter is @doordashedcigs and her instagram is @sixtiescool.